The Party of God(s)

CHARACTERS

MUHAMMAD
JESUS
THOR
HANUMAN
BUDDHA
JOSEPH SMITH

 

(In an apartment that looks like it was decorated by a hipster, JESUS, BUDDHA, and HANUMAN are hanging around the punch bowl, telling stories. THOR and JOSEPH SMITH are hanging back, and THOR is obviously looking for a way to get out of the conversation.)

BUDDHA
Hey, Jesus, this is a pretty sweet pad. And a hell of a view? How’d you score this place?

JESUS
Seriously, Buddha?

HANUMAN
His dad pulled some strings.

BUDDHA
Ahhh… Right.

JESUS
I mean…

BUDDHA
Hey, I do better with contemplative wisdom. So sue me for forgetting what your dad does.

HANUMAN
Hey guys, check out Thor.

       (They all turn.)

Looks like Joseph Smith cornered him.

THOR
       (To JOSEPH SMITH)
Yeah, right. That’s really cool.

JOSEPH SMITH
But see, that’s what I’ve always liked about you. When it comes to gods, you got the macho thing down. Really, I’m kind of surprised that more gods and prophets don’t try to be like you.

BUDDHA
What a tool.

JESUS
Yeah, tell me about it. I’m just glad it’s not me this time. The guy is always telling me how we’re so alike and that we should hang out more.

HANUMAN
I can’t tell if he’s a brown-noser or a raging narcissist.

JESUS
A little bit of both.

BUDDHA
So why’d you invite him?

JESUS
Ah, dad always tells me I should give him a chance, so… Yeah.

(Enter MUHAMMAD from apartment’s front door. He goes first toward THOR and JOSEPH SMITH. He looks disheveled, with plenty of crumbs in his beard.)

Oh shit.

HANUMAN
What?

JESUS
It’s Muhammad.

BUDDHA
Crap. Well, we all knew he’d be coming.

JOSEPH SMITH
(To MUHAMMAD.)
Hey, remember me? Joseph? I’m a huge fan. Modeled a lot of my work off what you did.

MUHAMMAD
Joseph? Ah, yeah, right. Joseph. Good to see you again.

(Turns to THOR and shrugs his shoulders.)

Hey guys! Sorry I’m late. Tough getting around this city.

THOR
Really? I didn’t have any trouble finding the place.

MUHAMMAD
Well, good for you. God of Thunder and GPS, huh?

THOR
Hey, I was just saying…

BUDDHA
Yeah, crazy traffic out there tonight, huh? Weird any of us got here.

MUHAMMAD
Yeah, the traffic. Too many infidel women drivers.

(JESUS pulls THOR aside.)

JESUS
You haven’t spent too much time with him yet. Just so you know, he’s kind of sensitive. He doesn’t really take criticism very well.

THOR
Oh, I’ve heard more about him lately. (Beat) So should I not tell him about the crumbs in his beard?

JESUS
Just… Yeah, probably not. That stuff is always there. He doesn’t ever know about it because he doesn’t look in the mirror. Thinks his reflection is a blasphemy or something.

(Back to the crowd.)

Hey, glad you could make it, Mo. Interest you in a drink? Oh, sorry, forgot.

MUHAMMAD
Haha, yeah, don’t worry. Just a water is fine.

HANUMAN
So… Muhammad, whatcha been up to?

MUHAMMAD
Hello, Hanuman. Nothing much. Enjoying your subcontinent?

HANUMAN
Yeah, it’s great. How’s sunny Pakistan?

JESUS
Hey, guys, did I miss anything? Here’s your water, Mo.

(The water has turned to red wine.)

Oh, sorry about that. Here, I’ll grab you another.

(JESUS takes it back.)

Anyone low on wine? Thor? It’s a Cab Sav.

(THOR takes it.)

Not a very big wine crowd here tonight. Should’ve invited Dionysus.

JOSEPH SMITH
So Muhammad, no offense, but you might wanna run a comb through that stellar beard of yours?

MUHAMMAD
Excuse me?

JOSEPH SMITH
Your beard. You might wanna comb the crumbs out before hitting the town. And maybe, you know, wash your face in general.

JESUS
Whoa, yeah, here’s your water. For real water this time.

MUHAMMAD
What’s this guy talking about?

THOR
He’s saying you look a mess.

JESUS
Jesus Christ, Thor.

THOR
Hey, we’re all thinking it.

BUDDHA
We’re just concentrating our minds on the present.

MUHAMMAD
Watch yourself, Buddha. You’re not even a prophet. What’s he even doing here?

JESUS
Maybe you should just calm down, Mo.

MUHAMMAD
And where do you get off calling me “Mo”? It’s “Prophet Muhammad, blessings and peace be upon him” to you!

JESUS
Ok, that’s enough. Maybe you should just go home. If you wanna come to these parties, you’re gonna have to be more tolerant. This was a peaceful party before you got here.

BUDDHA
Yeah, happiness is like a candle…

MUHAMMAD
Shut it, Buddha! You guys don’t even know what peace is! I’m more peaceful than all of you put together. And anyone who says otherwise…

ALL TOGETHER
…will loose their heads.

JESUS
Yeah, we got it.

(Opens the door to let MUHAMMAD leave.)

Mind your reflection in store windows.

THOR
Oh, is that why it took him so long to get here?!

 

THE END